Q: Who is Timothy, or should I say, what is he?
A: That’s probably only a question Timothy could answer, although I’m not sure he knows himself. Hailing from a field somewhere in Ireland, Timothy decided to pursue his studies in the United States to “assimilate into normal life”, so he tells us. We have reason to suspect otherwise, but he gets on pretty well. As academically promising he is in the political sciences, his interests and talents span far and beyond. Pilot, gourmet chef, dancer anD debonair host, Timothy’s talents know no bounds. There’s no telling what he’ll come up with next. At the age of just 222 years he’s accomplished all this? Well, that’s another story.
Q: Who are Jean and Jess?
A: Jean, the narrator of the story is a music major, flutist extrodinaire who's got a few screws loose. Her frequent hallucinations of various rock musicians on campus are just one of the reasons she's not allowed to have caffiene. Jess’s flirtations send her into the pit of fire.. or shall we say the 666th subbasement of Furnas hall. While she and Timothy share a certain “closeness her “flame” is a guy nobody messes with. Her hobbies include collecting pigs, watching soaps, growing her nails, and ICQ. She also enjoys psycho analyzing anyone who doesn’t mind ink blots. The pair met at a convention for collecting foil in the student union.
Q: The Evil Lord????
A: With his lair, situated in the roomy abode of the 666th subbasement of Furnas, one has to wonder how he can ever get to class on time. A lover of the wicked and mysterious, though his evil airs are impressive (smoke and flame) through the many adventures the girls and Timothy have had, he’s been up to more good than evil..but don’t tell him that..and I wouldn’t call him “Mikey”.
Q: Who is Marlene?
A: Martha Stuart enthusiast, Marlene serves as the only “disinfectant” this story has. If it weren’t for her trusty can of Lysol, or vacuum superpowers, there’d be a lot more troubling bacteria hanging around. Her loves include slow torture, and of course, Patrick Swayze. She shares a dorm room with Jess, and it is curious why Marlene puts up with the many peculiar people she has visiting daily!
Q. Who are Kirstie and Cinchel?
A: Kirstie and Cinchel, love children of Governor’s residence hall, will sing any bad vibe away with a loud chorus of Yellow Submarine. Cinchel, the ever intuitive major also offers his expertise in the chemical sciences. Kirstie is a poet of many words and expressions, and enjoys bringing the light of interpretive dance to any dinner conversation.
Q: Who is this Zilch character?
A: Dr. Tiberious T. Zilch, the director of the esteemed institution that is Smuffalo University history department. Bird call expert and explorer of Africa, one has reason to believe he is a character right out of Josef Conrad’s Heart of Darkness.
Q. Who is Mary???
A: Mary Zilch, the lovely and confused daughter of Zilch whose safariing with Daddy may have prepared her for the indescribably horror of going to State School. Timothy cannot resist her charms, especially since he's spied her often reading The New York Times
Q: Does Timothy have any enemies?
A: Every good soap opera has to have its arch nemesis... Elsa, the evil denier of egg-salad may fit the bill. Popping up in the darndest places, you have to wonder when this loathsome calculating, slimy, blood-thirsty, megalomaniacal alien-lifeform has the time to chase a bunch of bored-to-death college students around. By day, she toils away in the Governor’s dining hall cafeteria; by night she calculates her next evil appearance. No wonder the food is so bad!
Q: But who is Bambi? Is she an enemy?
A: In his younger days, Timothy may have succumbed to her charms, but now he knows better. Stay away from this fairy. Dancer, romancer, she is what every man dreams for. Her appearance to men in the mortal world drives them insane. Her beauty brings a man to his ultimate ruin... their constant longing for her can never be satiated once they have seen her.
Q: Tinkerbell? Are you nuts?
A: Tim’s first love. I suppose he fancied himself Peter Pan, and from the way his mammy dressed him as a wee lad, it’s doubtless to ponder his predilection gravitating towards green-sequined thermal wear. Trust me, Tink wants a bit more than sewing notions from Timothy.
Q. And what of Timothy’s Family? I mean, why is he so...strange?
A: A good question, dearest participant....Timothy’s father, Eamonn, a roving musician of the 60’s charmed a young and unsuspecting Julia Dooley with his handsome looks and Mick Jagger impressions. Julia fell for Eamonn head-over heels. A country girl, Julia knew the legends about the fairies roaming round the fairy forts...and this young man seemed so different from her other schoolmates. He would wait in the field for her every day..playing the sweet sounds of “Mother’s Little Helper” and “Ruby Tuesday”. They soon married; Julia moved into the field, and they lived happily ever after producing two very unlikely children: Their first born, Timothy, and youngest, Zelda.
Zelda did manage to make a good life for herself in the constant shadow of her older brother. This free-lance writer and marine biologist is the proud mother of one (Baby Ziggy) and wife to Geref, yet another roving artist of curious origin. Geref, reluctant to join the mortal labor force, now works as a pet-photographer with father-in-law Eamonn, as an attempt at assimilating into the world as we know it.
Q: Are you insane? I mean, where in the heck did you come up with this stuff? I think you have a screw loose!
A: If you thought going to college would make you a more mature responsible adult, you’re the one living in the fantasy world, buddy.